


"The Wench Is Mine" or "Bring It, Pretty Boy"

by SnowWhiteKnight



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, BearMaid, Brienne is also clueless, Brienne is the Best, Crack Fic, F/M, FLY PLUSH PIGGIES...FLLLLLYYYYYYY!!!!!, Hospital Fight, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, JB - Freeform, Jaime's got competition, Join the laughter, Jousting, Just Friends, MaidSlayer, Melee fight, Mild Language, No one really wins except Arya, Not Serious, Nurse!Brienne, Pig Throwing Contest!, Please Don't Kill Me, Podrya, Shedd, Star Trek References, Start of a Reverse Harem?, Tormienne, Tyrion/Shae - Freeform, Ygritte/Jon, for now, like at all, renaissance festival - Westerosi, sansan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-08 23:18:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6878926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowWhiteKnight/pseuds/SnowWhiteKnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaime's late. Brienne's bored. Tormund's new. This can only end well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bar Date or First Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> I am torn between my MaidSlayer ship and how hilarious the interaction between Tormund and Brienne was. Will Sansa have to give Brienne "the boy talk"? Anyway, this fic is the result of my confusion. I'm cheering for Jaime, but I hope Tormund makes him step up his game. In general, I mean, not in this fic. This is a one shot. Probably? Brienne deserves the attention.

Forty-three minutes. Jaime was forty-three-- Nope, make that forty-four minutes late. _Why am I friends with him again?_ Brienne sighed heavily. It was her fault, really it was. She knew he was always running late. She should have told him to meet her at six, when she knew he’d get there at seven. The gods forbid he try to be on time, for once. She knocked back the last sip of her whiskey and called the bartender over. The owner, Ygritte, had served her earlier, but she was gone and had been replaced by a redheaded man whose bushy beard could use a trim. He stopped short when he saw her, but quickly came forward. She was a regular at Flamekissed, the local bar, but this was the first time she had seen him. _Must be new._

“What can I getcha?”

“Another whiskey, please, neat.”

“A woman after my own heart.” He pulled a bottle from the shelf behind him and poured her two fingers. “So, what’s a nice woman like you doing here alone? Have a breakup? The guy’s a cunt if he let you walk away.”

Brienne laughed. It was rare that someone even assumed she was in a relationship. “No, no breakup. My friend’s just running late.” She gestured up to the tv behind the bar, the football game was on. “At least I have my boys to keep me company.”

The man grinned and leaned onto the bar. “So who’re you rooting for then?”

“Well, my team is the Tarth Sapphires, but between those two… I don’t know. The Casterly Rock Lions are pretty good, but the Wilding Giants have been the underdogs all season and they’ve been rocking it. You?”

“Oh, Wildlings, all the way. Ygritte and I are from the area, so we’ve gotta show our pride.”

“Ygritte, a wildling?! Nooooo, do go on,” Brienne said sarcastically, but she was grinning. “I’m Brienne, by the way.”

“Tormund. Nice to meet you.”

**********

Jaime grabbed a last minute bouquet of flowers from a cart near the bar. He took one last look at his watch and grimaced. He was an hour and thirty-seven minutes late. At least he knew Brienne would be waiting for him with a smile. Or a scold. He liked the scolding looks she gave him. He opened the door, the jingle jangle of the bell above the door announcing his arrival. He heard his wench laughing and he frowned. He loved her laugh, but unless she was laughing at him, then that meant she hadn’t noticed he was there.

His eyes adjusted to the dim lighting quickly. He saw her at the dartboard, showing some ginger lumberjack how to play the game. He scowled when he saw the look the lumberjack was giving Brienne when she wasn’t looking. _I’m the only one allowed to give her that look!_ Brienne, adorably clueless as usual, had no idea this uncouth man was a danger to her. Jaime, of course, had to rescue his wench. Well, he was technically “just a friend”, but that could change.

“Brienne! Brought you flowers,” Jaime said, startling both his wench and the lumberjack.

“Jaime! You made it!” Brienne hugged and kissed his cheek in greeting. Her eyes were brighter than usual from drinking. “You must meet my new friend. Tormund, this is Jaime Lannister. Jaime, this is Tormund Giantsbane. He’s just moved her from the far North, and he only knows Ygritte. I offered to show him around town this weekend.”

“Oh, fantastic!” Jaime said with barely mustered enthusiasm. “I’d be happy to help out. I do know more of the city’s hot spots, you know.” _No way are you going alone with this fiend!_

“Sure! The more, the merrier! Right, Tormund?” Brienne asked, her voice a little louder than usual. _How many drinks has she had? The scoundrel was plying her with booze!_

“Of course,” the bane of his life said, his broad grin grating on Jaime’s nerves. “I look forward to it.”

“Well, we should get going. Gotta go pick up Tyrion and get to the movie. I’ll come by later to make the arrangements to meet up.” He gave the red bear man a smug grin. _Denied!!!_

“Oh, don’t worry, we already exchanged numbers,” Brienne said, very not helpfully. She was smiling so adorably though. _He must have tricked her into it. Oh, my stupidly trusting Brienne, I’ll keep you safe._

“Well, that’s...that, then. Brienne, why don’t you go grab your jacket and take the flowers to the car?” She gave him a broad smile, but she gave the furry ginger a goodbye hug before going. After she was out of earshot, he turned to the manbear and hissed, “Don’t even think of trying for her. She’s way out of your league.”

The bastard just kept grinning, “Oh? Feeling threatened then? Maybe you should think about getting to a woman like that on time then. Lest she need me to keep her company again, which I don’t mind. Turns out we’ve got a lot in common. I’m sure we’ll be good friends from here on out. So shape up, pretty boy. I’ll be doing everything in my power to make myself look good in her eyes. Think you can stand the competition?”

Jaime just glared at him and stalked out of the bar.


	2. Coffee Date or Back Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime's jealousy runs rampant.

Tormund was sitting at the small dining table, staring out the window with a smile on his face like an idiot. Ygritte shook her head. She knew that look. Jon wore it whenever he thought she wasn’t looking.

“You work fast. You just got here a few days ago,” she said, taking the seat across from him and handing him one of the two beers she had gotten from the fridge.

“Hmm?” He seemed a bit out of it.

“Who is she?” she asked, pulling back the tab on beer can. The  _ tsss _ of the escaping air was music to her ears and she chugged the first few sips.

“The lovely Brienne of the blue piercing eyes,” he said, grinning madly. “Never believed in love at first sight ‘til I saw her.”

“Ah, my favorite customer. Should’ve known. Even I’m tempted to climb that tree, though Jon probably wouldn’t like it. Or maybe he would. Never asked. You ask her out?”

“Got her number. She offered to show me around town. Gonna ask her out to coffee as well.”

“Good. Go slow with that one. For some reason, all these southron idiots tend to ignore her, think she’s not good enough or some shite like that. She’s not used to attention of any good kind, and definitely not attention of your intensity.”

“Damn shame, that is,” he said, shaking his head. “Better for me though, I suppose.”

**********

“And then he said, ‘Think you can stand the competition?’  _ Stand. The. Competition. _ That’s what he said. As if he’s even in my league. Can you believe the nerve of that wanker?” Jaime asked him. Tyrion could only stare at his big brother. “What?”

“Are you listening to yourself?”

“Of course! Why, what did I say?” Tyrion wanted to smack him and did. “OW! What was that for?”

“You have absolutely no one to blame for this situation except yourself. Seriously, Brienne is too good for the likes of you, just based on this alone. Shae’s been wanting to ask Brienne to join a threesome with us.” Tyrion shook his head at Jaime’s shock. “What? She’s not dating anyone and I know I could handle the two of them at once. You had a chance to ask her out, and what did you do? You ran back to Casterly Rock the first time our dear step-sister crooked her little finger at you, only to have her throw you out when someone better came along. Now you have put lovely Brienne in the infamous friendzone, but you act like you’re entitled to say what she should or shouldn’t do. Or who.”

“Why does everyone keep calling her that? Sansa and Arya said it when I complained to them. It’s not her name.”  _ Oh great. Now he’s pouting. _

“Because she  _ is _ lovely, body and mind, and you keep calling her ‘wench’, which is really so much worse.”

“It’s an endearment.” Jaime could be quite stubborn about some things. This seemed to be one of them.

“No, no, it’s not. Maybe if she were your girlfriend, but she’s not. She’s your friend, because you didn’t have the balls to ask her out. You still don’t, if we’re going to go down that road.”

“You don’t know that. Drunken dwarf that you are. You know nothing.”

“I  _ do _ know that. That’s what I do. I drink and I know things. I know  _ this _ because you’re sitting here with me on a Friday night, whining about a guy who’s interested in Brie, and not making any move to prevent him from winning her heart.”

“Preventing him from winning her heart, you say?” Jaime gave him a devilish grin, completely ignoring what Tyrion was really getting at. 

“You’re going to do something stupid, aren’t you? Jaime, please be reasonable about this! You’re just going to end up pushing her away,” he pleaded. Jaime was humming to himself and not listening at all.  _ This is not going to end well, _ he thought as Jaime opened another bottle of wine.

**********

He sat at a small table in the coffee shop, waiting for the lovely blonde known as Brienne to come meet him.  _ Ah, Brienne, she of the soul searching eyes, with such kissable lips, a strong body from working it and not just working it out, and a laugh like an angel. And the arm on that woman! She hit her target on the dartboard every fuckin’ time! _ She was a dream come true. If this had been the ancient times, he could easily see her as a warrior, or a knight, fighting astride a destrier while plunging her sword into the enemy's’ guts.  _ She could make the world burn and I’d help her. _ He laughed to himself, startling the couple next to him, dour looking man with an exotic bronzed woman. He gave them a sheepish look and a muttered, “Sorry,” and they went back to ignoring him.

The coffee shop door opened, the sunlight streaming in and momentarily blinding him. He heard footsteps approach and someone sit down across from him. His vision returned and he saw the golden man.  _ Jaime Lannister. Golden bastard. _

“Wasn’t expecting you,” Tormund said. “Brienne right behind you?”

“Do you see her behind me?” Jaime said, too smug for Tormund’s liking. “She’s too tall to hide behind anyone. She’s not here. She’s not coming.”

Tormund frowned. “I sent her a text. She said she’d meet me.”

The smugness of the golden bastard rose several notches. “I saw it. Lot of emojis for such a  _ manly man. _ Where the hell do you get off in inviting  _ my wench _ to coffee. She had dinner with me last night when you sent that text. We had a good laugh about it, then she sent me here to tell you to back off. She’s not interested in you like that.”

Tormund took a few moments to evaluate the golden man with emerald eyes. He could see the attraction a woman might have for such a man. He also knew many women found him just as pleasing to look at, even if he was a Wilding. He might not know the lovely Brienne very well, but he knew  _ enough  _ to know that she wouldn’t have tricked him and she would have told him straight to his face if she wasn’t interested. He was fairly certain Brienne didn’t even realize his interest in her, or Jaime’s interest either. “You’re a terrible liar.”

“I’ll have you know I’m a  _ great  _ liar,” Jaime sneered, “but I’m not lying right now.”

“Really? So, if I  _ call _ the lovely Brienne right now, she’ll tell me she sent you down here?” Tormund asked, picking up his coffee. He swirled the liquid around the cup as he watched Jaime. “She’ll tell me  _ exactly _ what you just told me?” He wanted to smirk when he saw the struggle on Jaime’s face. He took a sip, waiting for Jaime’s answer.

“She...she would,” Jaime said through clenched teeth. “So, of course, there’s no need to call her. Or to call her ‘the lovely Brienne.’ She prefers to be called just ‘Brienne.’ You haven’t known her long enough. Only I get to call her nicknames because we’re  _ that _ close.”

“True and that’s fair, but I hope to know her better. I do like to hear her  _ lovely  _ voice, so I think I will call her.” Tormund pulled his phone from his pocket. “Let’s see...Contacts...scroll to T for Tarth…scroll, scroll, scroll...” He smiled when he saw Jamie’s fists clench. This was rather fun. “Oh, wait, I forgot. I put her under L for Lovely. Scroll back up. Scroll...scroll….scr-- Ah, there she is. Open the contact… Hit ‘Dial’...”

**********

“Jaime! Tormund!” They both jumped in their seats. “What are you two doing here?” Jaime turned to see Brienne walking towards them. “I thought you had to get to work, Jaime.”

“I did, then I realized I needed some coffee and ran into our pal Tormund here.” Jaime turned to the hairy red man. “Isn’t that right?”

Tormund didn’t even try to suppress his smile. “Yeah, complete coincidence we ran into each other. Can I get you a drink, lovely Brienne?”  _ How dare he!  _

“No, that’s alright. I have a free drink reward to redeem, but thank you.” Jaime’s hand balled into a fist from frustration. His wench was not turning the manbear down!

“Maybe next time,” Tormund said, winking at her. 

She blushed, a slightly confused look on her face,  and averted her eyes, suddenly very unsure of herself. “Uh, yeah, sure,” she said, trying to smile, her confusion very apparent.  _ Only I’m allowed to befuddle her into adorableness! _

“How about you, Jaime? Buy you a drink?” he asked. Jaime was ready to kill him. _You are going DOWN, manbear!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tormund's strategy seems to be to kill Jaime with kindness.
> 
> In other news, Ygritte, Shae and Tyrion are confirmed for Brienne's secret harem. So secret, not even Brienne knows.


	3. Tour Around Town Date or Motorcycle Gang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime learns a lesson. We hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never mentioned it, but basically everyone is in the same age range of 25-37, with Jaime being the eldest (hah! old man).

He was pleased to see Brienne walking up to him, her hair looking wonderfully tousled and her muscular shoulders shown off in the fitted tank top. He allowed his gaze to fall down a bit. Perky breasts, not too big, just the way he liked them. Lean torso, her muscles hidden, but she had shown him her abs after her fourth whiskey and a lot of encouraging on his part. Long, lean legs that went on forever. His gaze swept back up to her face before she could notice.

“Good morning, Tormund,” she said.

“Morning, lass,” he leaned into her greeting hug and kissed her cheek as close to her mouth as he dared. He enjoyed the bright pink that splayed across her cheeks. “Where’s your boyfriend?” Tactical question. She had called him a friend the other day, but the golden bastard had made it seem like there was more going on.

“Oh, he’s not...we’re not...we’re just friends,” she said, turning a little red. Clearly, she had thought about it. “He only dates supermodels.”

“And you are…?”

“Not a supermodel,” she said with a patient grin.

“Could have fooled me.”

She laughed and blushed harder. “I’ll remember that the next time I think of changing careers then. No, I’m a nurse at Winterfell Medical Center. Usually in the psych ward, but currently working in the ER while several other nurses are out sick. I have the entire day off though, unless I get called in. Happens sometimes. ANYWAY,” she said, “Enough of my rambling. Jaime should be here any moment. He offered to drive us, and since it was easier for me to walk over, I told him to just pick both of us up here. Hope that’s ok.”

“Sure.” _She's cute when she rambles. Lovely, beautiful, and cute. Wonder how her right hook is?_

A rumble came from down the street. “Oh no….” she said. He soon saw why. Jaime, the golden bastard, rolled up on a gloriously red and gold VFR800 motorcycle.

**********

Jaime stopped in front of a flabbergasted Brienne, and revved the engine a bit. Brienne had to motion at him. He could see her mouthing the words for him to cut the engine. Jaime kept grinning all the while, the look of shock on Tormund’s face was so worth it, and took a few moments before finally turning it off.

“You guys ready to roll out?” he asked cheerfully.

Brienne was shaking her head. “Jaime... How are we all suppose to fit on this? I thought you were bringing the sedan. You know, the one with enough room to sit _five_ people. Not the one that can barely seat two!”

“Tyrion needed to borrow it.” It was mostly true. Tyrion did need to borrow the car, his was in the shop, but not until the evening. “I figured you and me can ride on this, and Tormund can ride behind us in his vehicle,” Jaime said, looking right at Tormund. “You do have a vehicle, right?”

He could practically hear the manbear’s thoughts. _“You’re gonna play it like that?”_

He widened his smile at him. _“Yeah, gonna play it. Just. Like. THAT.”_

“Jaime, how’s that supposed to work?” Brienne was asking, missing the nonverbal exchange. “We’re supposed to be showing him around, not just having him play follow the leader.”

“It’s alright, Brienne. I got my own ride. Two, in fact. We can all ride in my truck, though someone will have to ride in the bed of it, or I can take my own bike and ride alongside Jaime. Either’s good for me.”

 _Oh, he’s a sneaky bear. Trying to get to my honeypot._ “Well, I’ll leave the choice up to you, wench.”

“Don’t call me that, Jaime, and I guess we should take the bikes. It’ll be fun!” she said, though she looked nervous about the prospect.

“I’m parked across the street. Ygritte’s letting me stay with her until I can find my own place.”

“Sleeping with her then?” Jaime asked before he thought to keep his mouth shut.

“Jaime!”

“Har! Not likely. She’s got a fellow and she’s loyal to him. Pretty lad, too.” He was chuckling to himself as he walked off. Jaime assumed it was to get his bike.

“Jaime,” Brienne said, punching his arm. “What the hell! Why are you picking on Tormund? He’s been so nice, and he doesn’t know anyone else except Ygritte. This is a horrible way to welcome someone to a new city.”

“I treat all my friends like this,” he pointed out, rubbing the spot where she punched him. It really hurt, even through the thick leather jacket.

“Yeah, well, Tyrion doesn’t like it when you treat him like this, and neither do I. Now shape up or else I’ll be giving Tormund the tour by myself. I’ll be riding with him until you feel ready to behave, got that?”

“But--”

“Do I make myself clear, Jaime?” she asked with force, her brows furrowing in anger.

“Y--yes,” he said, hanging his head as she walked over to join Tormund. _I guess Tyrion was right after all._ He had been listening, just ignored it all. He lifted his head with determination. _I can behave. AND prove to Brienne that I’m the better man. C’mon, Jaime! Let’s do this!_

**********

“It was so awkward!” Brienne complained to Arya later. They had met up at Flamekissed after Arya’s classes. “All day, they just went back and forth about what kind of place we should go to next. They were bickering, but they were both so  _nice_ to each other about it. It was fun, exhausting, and just... _awkward!”_

Arya laughed. “At least that’s over with then?” She loved Brienne, but it was obvious what was going on. She only wished she could have been there to see two guys fighting over Brienne’s attention. Her friend had no idea the effect she could have on people.

“Not quite,” Brienne said with a grimace. “They want to do something tomorrow. I have the day off, and they’re letting me pick tomorrow's activity, but I have _no idea_ what to do. I was planning on watching movies originally, but I don’t think either of them would sit still long enough for that.”

Arya brought the ale to her lips and drank deeply. The wheels were churning in her mind. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and said, “I’ve got an idea.”


	4. Park Date or Here Comes Arya

Arya was at the park bright and early, with Podrick in tow. He was such a doofus, but he was reliable. She’d reward him with a kiss or twenty later on. Sandor Clegane was in charge of the event, though it was Sansa, Arya’s sister, that made everything run smoothly. A three day traditional tournament festival, complete with events you could sign up to compete in.

She met the trio in the parking lot, a list of activities in hand. She had even circled the perfect ones. After hugging everyone, Arya explained her proposal.

“So we all enter these events, the quick joust, the sword fights, and the pig throw--”

“The pig throw?” the tall redhead man asked.

“Don’t worry, it’s plush toy pigs. I’m fairly certain the Hound made that one up, or let Sansa get away with a weird idea, but it looks fun. So we enter these events as groups, compete against each other, and the winner of each event can claim a kiss from Brienne!”

Brienne frowned. “Why am I the prize and what if I want to enter?”

“Because I said so and you can kiss your own hand. Who’s in?” Jaime’s hand shot up, and Tormund’s followed soon after.

“Loser gets kissed by the Hound!” Arya shouted as she ran off to the first event.

**********

 _How did it get to this point?_ Pod asked himself. Arya had explained her plan, and it seemed simple enough, though he wondered how she was going to pull it off, especially the first part. He looked over at Brienne, who looked just as amazed as everyone else. He had to laugh. Brienne was his mentor at the medical center, and it was rare to see her so carefree.

Arya had somehow managed to beat everyone in all three events, even after a heavy lunch. Well, he could see how she beat him. What Pod couldn’t see was how she managed to beat all three adults. _Ok, one adult and two giant children._ Mr. Tormund and Mr. Jaime were arguing over who came in second to Arya’s victories.

In the quick joust, she had been like a tiny battering ram, knocking over each of her opponents. It had been internet worthy to see her knock over Mr. Tormund and Pod had desperately regretted leaving his smartphone in the car. Her screams rivaled that of Xena: Warrior Princess.

The sword fight had been a melee. Her water dancing had been absolutely perfect, and when it was down to her and Mr. Jaime, she had him flat on his back, attacking his legs with such force that he literally flipped backwards onto the ground.

She had mopped the floor with those two in the final event. The pig throw had been particularly spectacular, involving a series of acrobatics that ended up with her breaking the pig throwing record. Pod had never heard the Hound swear that much, and that dude swore more than all the other people he knew combined. Even more amazing, it had been in surprise and awe, instead of anger, as the plush pink pig soared through the air.

Arya had claimed the three kisses from Brienne, keeping her eyes on both Mr. Jaime and Mr. Tormund as Brienne kissed her on both cheeks and her forehead. Pod had wondered if the veins in their respective foreheads would burst or not. They had started arguing with each other right after that.

“Pod,” Arya whispered to him, “I’m going to go get the car. Bring Brienne to the front entrance of the park in ten minutes.”

He nodded. The next phase of Arya’s plan was about to be pushed into action. “Hey, Brienne, let’s go get some food while they’re arguing,” Pod suggested to his mentor.

**********

“My pig went way farther than yours!” Jaime insisted.

“No, yours was the rouge pig. Mine was the magenta pig. _Mine_ went farther.” Tormund was adamant. He had beaten Lannister in the joust, though Lannister had beaten him in the melee. This would be the tiebreaker. He’d be damned if he let the golden bastard steal his achievement. His victory and potential kisses had already been stolen by the tiny terror.

“I think I can tell the difference between rouge and magenta. And _that_ is rouge,” Jaime said angrily, pointing at the very cute plush pig.

“Actually, that’s fuschia,” came a deep voice behind them. “So much fucking pink.” The two turned to see a large burned man behind them, shaking his head at the plush piggies. “You two are tied for ninth place. The magenta and rouge pigs are side by side over there.” He pointed much closer to the throw line. “You still get a consolation prize: you can keep your pig, if you want.” The man started picking up the pigs and throwing them into a box.

“Well, I’m going to keep mine and call it Data,” Jaime announced loudly, marching towards the magenta pig.

“Yeah? Well, I’m naming mine Bones, and giving him a blue uniform!” Tormund shouted, hurrying towards the rouge pig.

**********

“Geez, I can’t believe those two. Of all the guys to fall for Brie, it has to be them?” Sansa said, watching the blond wrestle with the ginger over a pig.

Sandor shrugged. “Guys do a lot of stupid things when they’re trying to impress the woman they like.”

“Like let the woman in question pick out the plush piggies for a throwing contest?” she asked with a grin.

“Who knows?” Never admit it if you can help it, that was his motto. Not that it mattered. She had a way of knowing even when he didn’t say anything.

“Uh-huh,” she said with a grin. Her phone beeped. She pulled it out of her pocket and checked the message. “Oh, Arya’s asking us to meet her at Flamekissed in half an hour.”

“Is it important?”

Sansa rapidly texted her sister back. Her phone beeped again just as quickly. “Says you’ll appreciate it once we get there.”

“Yeah, sure. The volunteers have clean up duty, and Miranda’s in charge, with Ilyn as her second. They’ll make sure no one shirks their duties. Let’s go.”

**********

“Are you even real? There’s no way you could have hair that red and be real.”

“Same could be said for those damn golden locks of yours. Don’t see me accusing you of anything.”

Jaime glared at the man. Did he have to be so damned reasonable? _Take a breath, and breathe. The wench doesn’t like it when you’re mean to this dunderhead. She’ll get mad at you. She won’t realize how awesome you are if she’s mad at you. Ok, good now._

“Hey, where’d everyone go?” the dunderhead asked.

Jaime looked around. Most of the crowds had dispersed, leaving only the cleanup crew and their supervisors in the park. “Uh…”

Their phones beeped.

“Maybe it’s from Bri-- Nope, Arya stole our numbers from Brienne’s phone,” Jaime said, looking at the message. “She says, _‘Hey, assholes. Notice we’re missing yet?’_ Charming.”

“The tiny terror?”

“Yeah, that’s a very apt description actually. Oh, there’s another one.  A phot-- That tiny little bitch,” Jaime said, but there was no heat behind it.

“What?” The manbear looked down at his own phone, having just received the same message. “What did she-- Oh. Damn. Not even mad. That’s amazing.”

Jaime had to agree.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What sort of photo did Arya send? Find out next time on Draaaggggooooooonnn Baaalllll Zzzzzziiiiiiii!!!!
> 
> I know. I'm a dork. :)


	5. Fight Date or Arya Steals The Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tiny terror puts a lot of planning into her strikes. Or none at all and hopes for the best.

**45 minutes before The Text**

"Come on, Brie. Don't you trust me?"

"No."

"Ugggghhhh... Pod! You trust Pod! And I swear on that trust, this is nothing bad. For you."

Brienne looked over at Pod, who shrugged, and then turned back to Arya. "Fine, how do you want me to pose?"

Arya grinned. “First, costume change! The rest of them should be here any minute.”

**********

**20 minutes before The Text**

Arya was directing everyone around. Ygritte was letting them use one of the empty backrooms and Sandor had been  _gracious_ enough (Arya only had to bribe him a little bit) to bring over some props. Including the place Brienne was going to sit. “Ok, so Brie, you sit in the middle on the Iron Throne--”

“This is way more comfortable than I expected.”

Arya nodded, “It’s made from a very sturdy foam over a wood frame. Ok, so Ygritte, I want you to sit on this side, Sansa, you’re on the other, so we can have mirror redheads. Now Jon, you’re going to lie down in front of Ygritte, she’ll put her leg over you, oh very good. Nice and possessive.”

“Why do I have to be the sub?” Jon asked.

Ygritte kissed the top of his curly head. “Because I’m the domme, of course.”

“Hmph, fine.”

Arya turned to Sandor, “You sure you don’t want to be in this?”

He snorted. “No thanks. I’ll take the photo.”

“Feel free to take some behind the scenes shots, too, just make sure they’re of more than just Sansa,” she said and handed him the camera.

“Tch, whatever.” He started walking around the group of people and taking random shots.

“Now, Tyrion and Shae, I’m going to have to separate you two, but you’ll have this lovely connection chain,” Arya said, putting one leather binding on each of their left wrists. “Tyrion, you’ll be in front of Brienne, in between Jon and Sansa. Shae, you’ll be at Brienne’s left side. Careful. Good, now let’s just rearrange the chain so that it doesn’t strangle anyone. Brie, can you hold onto the middle of it? When it’s time to take the photo, just casually play with it.” She looked around for Pod. “Pod, I need you on Brie’s right side. Stop being shy, you look wonderful. Drape your arm around her shoulders, but not possessively. Adoringly. No, _adoringly._ Damnit, Pod, like when you look at me. Ugh, close enough. Brie, I’ll be sitting on your lap. Sandor will count down from three and then begin taking a series of photos from various angles. Only Brienne is required to look at the camera at all times, everyone else, look at Brienne and just show your feelings about her, the more sexual, the better.”

“Arya!” Brienne went red.

“Trust me, this will be awesome.”

“What is this for again?” Brienne demanded as Shae fanned her with a small palm frond. Everyone was dressed like they were Arabian Nights, a mixed gender harem that belonged to their Sultana Brienne of the Sapphire. All of the outfits matched in style, but each person wore a different color. All were appropriately risqué without being too revealing. Jon wore black, Ygritte wore white. Shae wore gold and red, while Tyrion wore red and gold. Pod wore a purple and white outfit with trim of gold. Arya had opted for a grey and white one, while Sansa wore a yellow outfit with black trim. Arya hopped over Jon and arranged herself in Brienne’s lap.

“My photography class. I have to direct a shoot, and there’s bonus points for being in it.” That was actually true, but she had originally planned something entirely different and was using the assignment to her advantage in order to play with Brienne’s suitors. It was amazing how quickly everything had come together in the past twenty-four hours. “Remember, channel your inner sultana. You command thousands of men, and they obey you without question. Ok, Sandor, start the countdown.”

**********

**5 minutes before The Text**

“That was so much fun!” Sansa said, looking over Arya’s shoulder as she reviewed the photos on the computer. “We should do that again, maybe with an animal theme, or dinosaur costumes… Are you listening to me?”

“Yeah, animals, dinos, got it. Sorry, just looking for the perfect shot. Sandor’s pretty good at this. So many to choose from.”

“He does photography for the local indoor football team on the weekends. He’s got a good eye for it.” One of the photos caught Sansa’s eye. “Oh, stop! Go back two.”

Arya clicked her mouse. “This one?”

“Yeah, that’s a good one. Dunno if that’s exactly what you’re looking for, but everyone is looking at Brie like they’re hoping to be picked by her, to grace the Sultana’s bed this night. And Brie looks like she has command of the entire world, not a small country. Very sexy look on her. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

A smile spread across Arya’s face. “That’s the one.”

**********

**1 minute after The Text**

Jaime was texting furiously with Arya while Tormund was admiring the photo.

“Tiny terror is right, she purposely left us behind to go take this!” he exclaimed, the tension in his neck feeling like he was about to pop. “She says they just finished a photo shoot about fifteen to twenty minutes ago!”

“Wait, so...we could have gone along?” the manbear asked. “Been one of the people at the Sultana’s feet?”

Jaime threw his phone to the ground and screamed, “ARRRHHHHHH! This is all your fault! If you hadn’t distracted me with the pigs, we could have seen them leaving and followed them!”

The hairy short-for-a-giant frowned at him. _“My_ fault? As I remember it, you were _just_ as eager to claim victory in that. If you hadn’t argued over the plain fact that I _clearly_ won the pig toss--”

“No way, you heard the Hound, we were tied for that one. If you hadn’t insisted on barging into Brienne’s life, none of this would have happened!”

_“I_ barged in? Now wait a minute! I fully respect the boundaries between Brienne and me. There was no barging! She was just as friendly to me as I was to her. Unlike you, who gives her backhanded compliments!”

“We have a very complicated relationship!” Jaime yelled.

“Too complicated, if you ask me! Maybe Brienne would like a _simple_ alternative! A guy who offers himself and no excess drama, which you seem to have rolling off you in spades!” the manbear said, spitting a little on Jaime as he yelled.

“Shut up! What do you know about it?! Brienne is my lifeline! She’s more than a friend to me! She’s the one I want to spend eternity with!”

“Well, she’s pretty fucking _fantastic_ , so I can’t blame you for feeling that! But you haven’t made a move yet, so fuck off and don’t get in _my_ way when I do!”

Jaime lunged for Tormund, just as Officer Selmy walked into the park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure they'll be fine....


	6. Man Date or What Am I Going To Do With You Two?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conclusion of sorts

“You’re lucky it was me that found you two,” Selmy was saying as Tormund and Jaime were getting patched up in the hospital. Selmy had had to pry the two apart, but not before each had gotten in several good punches.

Jaime had a black eye, a split lip, a huge bruise on his chest and a headache the size of his ego. Tormund was bleeding from a minor head wound, had a bite mark on his forearm, and a strained muscle in his other arm. Selmy shook his head at the two of them, who were refusing to look at each other.

“Fine, if either of you feels like pressing charges, you know where to find me. For now, consider yourselves let off with a warning. If I see you at it again, I will be bringing you in for disturbing the peace.” He left them, wondering what could make two grown men behave like such children. Really! Biting and headbutting. They should have been given a timeout.

**********

The room was silent for several minutes.

“Ass.”

“Twat.”

“I fought a bear for her once.”

“I’d kill a bear for her if she asked me. With my own hands.”

“She’d never ask that.”

“Of course she wouldn’t. But I’d do it if she asked.”

“You look like a lumberjack got fucked by a bear and had babies.”

“You look like a right proper prick on that overrated motorbike of yours.”

“Hey! My BMW VFR800 is a classic! Not like that secondhand rust bucket you ride.”

“Lillith is the most reliable machine I’ve ever owned, whereas your  _ ‘classic’ _ probably needs replacement parts every year just to keep running.”

Jaime grit his teeth. He didn’t want to admit that it was more like every eight months. “You smell like a wet bear.”

“You’re obsessed with bears. You smell like someone pushed you into a vat of overpriced aftershave.”

“I heard you fucked a bear.”

“I was drunk, it was a giant plush bear, and I only dry humped it. What’s your excuse?”

“For what?”

“I heard you fucked your step-sister. Instead of asking Brienne out. Repeatedly.”

“You sonova…”

**********

Edd was in the middle of the hallway, mopping the floor, thinking of the lovely Shae and their (sort of) coffee date the other day. She had been telling him of her boyfriend, and how they had been discussing the possibility of threesomes, and would he be interested in joining them? He was. He was  _ very _ interested, though he was nervous of being compared to Lannister and not being able to “measure up.”  _ At least the hospital is quiet for the moment, and I’m almost done with this section. _

The door near him exploded open, a burly, red headed man and a lean, dark blond man locked in combat could be seen amid the shattered wood and glass. They were throwing punches left and right, unaware of their surroundings, destroying everything they got near. They soon moved on to the next area, leaving Edd with more clean up duty. He sighed, surveying the damage.  _ Would I have to suck Tyrion off? I’m not sure I could do that, _ he thought, as he went to get the broom. 

**********

Brienne was speaking with her fellow nurse, Bronn Blackwater, both complaining about being called in on their days off, when she saw nurses and security guards running down the hallway. “Nurse Tarth! Nurse Blackwater! Some assistance please!” yelled Dr. Tarly, as he struggled to keep up with the others.

Both she and Bronn ran towards the fray. Elbowing her way through the crowd, she saw her two friends, one old and one brand new, beating on each other like mortal enemies. Two men, similar in their spirit and general cool factor, who were now hurling insults as well causing a general mayhem. She snapped.

**********

Bronn was a simple man. He went to work, did his job and did it well. He’d come home to his wife, they’d have dinner, make love and fall asleep in a happy, languid state. He played hard on his days off to help ease the tension of his stressful job. He got along with his coworkers, even that weirdo Jaqen H’ghar who never said “I”, “me”, or “you”. His life was simple, and he liked it that way.

The ER was crazy in general, but this scene before him was a bit crazier in general. Two men going at it like they were going to kill each other, without regard for the safety of the people around them. Most of the nurses were shorter than these men, and were of the nurturing sort as they were from the general hospital wards. The flu had hit the ER nurses and doctors hard. They were holding back the other patients, trying to be a barricade for them. Bronn and Brienne were from the psych ward, they and the other nurses were on loan to the ER for a few weeks, where a stronger hand was needed with the patients. He was about to step in when Brienne strode forward, anger radiating from her entire body. They both froze when they saw her, turned towards her, possibly an apology on their lips when she grabbed both of them by the throat, lifted them up and slammed them both down to the ground. The men were dazed, but no more harmed than what they had already done to each other. Brienne snorted in disgust. 

“Get them into their beds, and strap them down. I would prefer to not have a repeat of this,” Dr. Tarly said to Bronn and an orderly. They nodded, and Bronn picked up the more familiar blond man.

“You’ve really done it this time, Lannister. You and the other bloke,” he muttered to the brother of his friend.

**********

Brienne waited until Dr. Tarly was done with the patients before entering the room. Neither could look her in the eye. 

“What am I going to do with you two?” she asked softly. She just felt so tired. It had been a long day, first fun and amazing, then a little strange with the sultana photo shoot, but still fun. Now, however, now she was exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. And she still have five more hours left in her shift. Being called in like this, she had been granted a short shift, but still, it was a lot. 

Neither man said anything.

“I enjoy hanging out with the two of you, but if you can’t get along… You don’t need to like each other, you just need to be able to be civil to each other. I don’t care if you decide to just stay away from each other in general, but I won’t sacrifice one of you in favor for the other. You are either both my friends, who may or may not be around each other, or neither of you are. Come up with a solution or lose my number. You got that?” She waited until both men nodded. “Good.”

**********

Tormund watched the lovely Brienne leave, ashamed of his behavior and horrified that she might never speak to him again. “Truce?” he asked the golden bastard.

“We both still want her.”

“We can see her separately, like she suggested. Be friends with her, but stay away from each other.” Tormund thought about it. They could see her in the hallway, talking to someone obscured from the view. “Open relationship. She could see both of us. Be it as a friend or other.”

“I don’t like to share. Don’t see you doing that either.”

“True. Gave me the chills to even suggest it. Friend sharing, fine. Girlfriend sharing, not so much.”

Brienne’s laughter carried down the hallway. “Who the hell is she talking to?” Jaime asked.

“Can’t see. Maybe if I stretch a bit-- Oh, it’s the tiny terror.”

“Ugh, still mad at her. I thought we were friends and then she goes and pulls that photo shoot shit.” Jaime was pouting and Tormund couldn’t really blame him. He’d probably be pouting too if he had known the girl for longer than a day and been betrayed like that.

Their phones beeped. 

“Now what?” Jaime muttered. They both reached for their phones, but Jaime saw it first. “That tiny little bitch.”

Tormund looked at the message. It was another picture. Brienne was peacefully sleeping in between the Podrick boy (also asleep) and a very awake Arya, who was the one who took the selfie. The caption below it said, “She’s ours now, bitches!”

“New truce. We take down the tiny terror, and argue over Brienne later. Deal?” Jaime asked, a fire raging in his eyes as Arya waved at them from the hallway, a shit-eating grin on her face, as she lead Brienne away.

“Deal.”

**********

"Who are you texting?" Brienne asked her. They were walking toward the hospital cafeteria. Brienne had been called in before she could get dinner and Arya was always hungry.

"Ah, just a couple of morons I'm helping. They're both stuck on the same girl, and need to work through their own differences first before pursuing any sort of love life, else they'll likely end up with nothing," Arya said, putting her phone away.

"Poor guys. Kind of sounds like Jamie and Tormund, except for the love life part."

"Ha ha! So true, Brie, so true."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least they reached an agreement.
> 
> Thus, the end of this fic reflects how I feel about the two ships, conflicted and not quite sure who to root for, though I'm leaning towards Jaime at the moment. I might write a continuation at some point, but I'm not sure yet. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.


End file.
